IFIO Study Hall

November 14, 2023

Change Your Conversation, Change Your Relationship #

Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO) is not simple to learn. I’ve been seeing couples for almost six months; I feel like I’m just beginning to understand how to facilitate sessions. On the Facebook group, I recently asked, “How do tracking and courageous communication fit together? I mean, what does the intermediate stage look like where you are halfway between the two techniques?” It was recommended that I study the videos available from https://vimeo.com/ondemand/ifiodvdvol2

I made the following sequence diagrams to make sure that I was following exactly how the session were being facilitated. I paraphrased and summarized, especially around the per-partner unblending.

Andrew and Joanne #

Tracking a couple’s repetitive fight begins an unbending process which interrupts cyclical patterns of behaviors and deepens their conversation.

sequenceDiagram autonumber participant A as Andrew participant T as Toni / Therapist participant J as Joanne Note over T: Can we look at the current dynamic? 4:10 A->>J: Minimizing T->>J: Is Andrew minimizing? J->>T: Yes T-->>J: Helps Joanne unblend J->>A: (Impulse) to get angry and tell, "you're wrong" T->>A: Aware of Joanne's part? A->>T: Yes T-->>A: Helps Andrew unblend Note over T: I want to help both of you see how this is not working.
(Hope merchant) T->>A: What is the frustrated part saying to you? A->>T: She doesn't get it. T->>A: What do you do/say? A->>J: What is the problem that you don't
hear what I am trying to tell you. T->>A: Sounds angry, sarcastic? A->>T: Yes T->>J: Do you know about this part of Andrew? J->>T: Yes T-->>J: Helps Joanne unblend T->>J: What do you do/say? J->>A: I walk out of the room. T->>A: Do you know about the leaver? A->>T: Yes T-->>A: Helps Andrew unblend Note over T: Let's discuss a specific situation 16:20 A->>T: Describes specific situation T-->>A: Helps Andrew unblend T->>A: Same dynamic? 18:40 A->>T: Yes T->>J: Do you want to add anything about yourself? 19:19 J->>T: I want things to be more open and free. T->>J: Same dynamic? J->>T: Yes Note over T: Reflects back dynamic again. 20:10 Note over T: Sounds like a painful dynamic. 21:10 T->>A: What is the fear? A->>T: Nothing is going to change. T->>A: This part believes it's going to change
the situation by getting angry. T->>J: Curious what you're noticing. J->>T: I had no idea. T->>J: As Andrew is softening and speaking more
for the wish, how is that landing? J->>T: I feel my heart open a bit. T->>J: What is the hope/fear of your anger? J->>T: I need someone to ask, "How was your day?" T->>J: Fear of criticism? J->>T: Yes T->>J: What would it look like to get his attention? J->>T: Paints picture of getting attention. Note over T: Both of you are trying to get the other's attention. 30:40 T->>A: How it is to hear the real communication? 32:10 A->>T: Feels good.

Josh and Sage #

IFIO helps a wounding partner unblend enough to listen to the impact of her behavior and make an authentic apology.

sequenceDiagram autonumber participant J as Josh participant T as Toni / Therapist participant S as Sage Note over T: We talk about repair. 3:30 T->>J: Have you had apology? J->>T: Meh? S->>T: Somewhat, not too explicitly J->>T: Why didn't I notice? Note over T: Hard to move on if there hasn't been healing. 7:00 S->>T: I understand why Josh was behaving erratically. Note over T: If there hasn't been repair then wouldn't it be hard to say T->>S: "I'm with you 100%." (to Josh) T->>J: "I trust you." (to Sage) Note over T: Does that make sense? 8:30 J->>T: I'm guarded for her sake. Note over T: How to speak and listen differently? 11:42 J->>T: Sounds good S->>T: Yeah T->>S: Is that a true "yes?" Because it may be difficult S->>T: Yeah, I can listen to him T->>S: Are you sure? 13:00 Note over T: Promise that Sage will get a turn later 14:00 Note over T: Big monologue to set up communication 17:00 J->>S: The trust was a big one, that got hurt tremdously. J->>S: I want to be with you every minute of the day. But I can't. T->>S: What are you hearing. 18:00 S->>T: "I was crushed." T->>J: Is that the essence of what you were saying? J->>T: Yeah. T->>S: What's it like to hear
"I didn't know what I was going to do without you." S->>T: I get excited to know that someone could love me. S->>T: How can you do the things that you did to him? T->>S: Criticizing? T-->>S: Helps Sage unblend T->>S: What is the concern about hearing it? S->>T: Dunno, scared. S->>T: I have a belief that relationships are short-term. S->>T: But I want to stay, never wanted to leave. T->>J: How does this land with you? 21:50 J->>T: I know you came from a tough background. J->>T: I know you love me. T->>J: How do you know that? J->>S: The looks that you give me. T->>J: You know she loves you? J->>T: Y S->>J: Yeah, I do. T->>J: Is there more than you want to tell her? 23:00 J->>S: I have big plans with you. J->>S: Plans get shattered. T->>S: Are you able to stay? S->>T: It hurts. T->>S: What do you mean? Talk about your heart. S->>J: It wishes it could do better. S->>J: I'm not as scared of losing you. S->>J: I'm horrible at gift giving. S->>J: He is great at it [gift giving]. J->>S: *Gives her a tissue* T->>S: Do you have to defend yourself? 26:50 S->>T: No, I just want to let him know that I am trying. T->>S: When he talks about feeling hurt,
does that make sense? 27:30 S->>T: Yes T->>S: And do you feel sorry? S->>T: Yes T->>S: Have you expressed that? S->>T: Probably not enough. T->>S: Want to give it a go? S->>T: *Chuckles* T->>S: You're doing great. S->>J: I am truly sorry. T->>J: As you're listened to this, what's happening? 28:42 J->>T: I hate seeing her like this. T->>J: We're going to ask that part to step back. Note over T: Was that a shame protector? I'm skeptical! T->>J: Can you take the apology in? T->>J: Are there parts of you that can believe? J->>T: Yes and no T->>J: Yeah, this is a process over time. J->>S: This is the first time I've got a true apology. T->>J: What's that like? 29:50 J->>S: It's nice to hear. T->>S: Notice what's happening in you. S->>T: I wish I had the strength to tell him before. T->>S: Things come when you're ready. T->>S: This is the beginning. T->>J: All the bad feelings aren't going away. Note over T: We do it a little bit at a time. 30:55 T->>J: What's happening? J->>T: Reflecting. It's been almost a year. T->>J: Have you been waiting for it? J->>T: Yeah. T->>J: Is it meaningful to you? J->>T: Is it. J->>S: I appreciate you saying it. Means a lot. T->>S: What's happening for you? S->>T: A little relief. S->>T: Glad I was able to tell him without all the other crap.

Allison and David #

Creating safety for defensive protectors allows them to relax and hear requests for connection as an invitation instead of criticism.

sequenceDiagram autonumber participant A as Allison participant T as Toni / Therapist participant D as David Note over T: How do you want to use the session? 0:45 A->>T: David is not connecting. D->>A: Huh, what is that? A->>D: We don't connect. You're busy. D->>A: What do you want me to do? A->>D: It's so frustrating. I keep telling you D->>A: *Interrupting* You can't keep using the same A->>D: *Irritated* A->>D: I want more of you. D->>A: How I'm feeling? A->>D: Yeah. D->>A: Kind of pissed off. A->>D: I can see that. Note over T: Timeout. Reset. A->>T: We're really busy. A->>T: I want a deep connection with David. T->>A: Hold on. Something happened over there. T->>A: He made a facial expression
then what happened? A->>T: I felt him do this: "What?" D->>A: I don't know what she wants from me. T->>A: We're starting. 3:40 Note over T: Contracting for what to explore. 4:15 D->>T: I don't understand. T->>D: Are you interested in learning
more about what just happened? D->>T: Sort of. D->>T: If you're both looking at me, I don't want to do that. T->>D: I'm with you there. 5:00 T->>D: It's not about stopping doing anything. Note over T: There is something that happens between you.
Do you recognize this? D->>T: It happens a lot. Note over T: Are you interested in understanding
what's happening between you? D->>T: I'm interested in it not happening again. T->>D: Yeah, okay. T->>A: Sounds like you're both in agreement? A->>T: Um hum. D->>T: *Nods* A->>T: I'm wanting him to talk more. T->>A: Yeah. One of the things you're wishing
for is that he would talk more to you? A->>T: Right, yeah. A->>D: I was wondering if he had something
else he wanted to talk about today? T->>D: Before we do anything, how is it to be here? D->>T: We've been married a long time. D->>T: It's working. Why do we need to mess with it? T->>D: Allison is telling you that there
is something wrong with you. D->>T: Yeah! T->>D: Are you open to hearing from Allison? D->>T: Yeah. T->>A: Are you available to talk more? A->>T: Sure. T->>D: Are you available to listen to her? D->>T: I just don't want to be criticized. T->>D: I got that. T-->>D: Helps David unblend the part that
is afraid of being criticized. Note over T: If I feel like parts are taking
over, I'm going to slow everything down. D->>T: Okay. T->>A: I want you to notice what's
happening in your body. A->>T: I'm more calm. A->>D: I think we're at a different phase. 15:00 A->>D: It's our precious time to be together. A->>T: I noticed him shift. T->>A: Do you want to get curious about that? A->>D: Did something just happen? Note over D: *Rolls his neck* 15:55 D->>A: I want this to work out too. D->>A: When you talk about going deeper,
I have no idea what you're talking about. D->>A: I just go, "oh, shit" Note over T: Okay, we're going to hold on there. Hold on.
Notice what's happening in your body. Note over T: This is what happens at home? A->>T: *Nods* Note over D: Yeah, and I get worried about ... T->>D: Yeah. And then we pull back. Note over T: And then you both pull back? D->>T: *Nods* Note over T: I want to help Allison understand
what happened when she said "Go deeper" D->>T: *Nods* T-->>D: Helps David unblend T->>D: What actually happened when you heard "go deeper"? T->>D: Stay with me. D->>T: It feels like shit. 19:05 T->>D: Can you say more? D->>A: I don't know what you're talking about. T->>D: I'm going to help her talk about
what she means by that. T->>D: I do hear the plea: "I don't know
what you mean by that." D->>T: I feel like I'm failing at it. T->>D: Yeah, there is a part of you that says, "I am failing." D->>T: Yeah. Note over T: What if the part that says, "I am failing," didn't pop in? 20:15 D->>T: That would be great. T-->>D: Helps David unblend T->>A: *Contracting for individual work with David* Note over A: I didn't realize David felt that way.
I don't mean for that to happen. T-->>A: Helps Allison unblend A->>T: I'm curious. T->>D: Focus on the part.
What are you noticing about it? D->>T: I really do not like it. T->>D: There's a part that says, "I don't want you to feel this." D->>T: Yeah. T->>D: Say "hi" to that one D->>T: *Waves "hi"* T->>D: Does it make sense that you have this part? D->>T: Yeah. T->>D: Can you recognize that as a part? D->>T: *Nods* I felt this way a lot when I was a kid. D->>A: When I got married, I didn't feel it as much. T->>D: Something about your relationship
helped that part of you. T->>D: Can you let it know that? D->>T: *Nods* T->>D: What else does it want you to know? D->>T: I was not going to feel this way anymore. T->>D: A part made a vow? D->>T: Yes. 27:55 T->>D: And it doesn't like that you're feeling it now. D->>T: No. T->>D: Yeah, that makes sense to me. D->>A: She's the one who made me come in here. A->>D: *Smiles* T->>D: We're going to change focus to the part
that doesn't want you to feel it. D->>T: *Nods* T->>D: How has it tried to help you not feel this? D->>A: Do you know? A->>D: *Shrugs* No. Note over D: Really busy T->>D: Really busy might be one way. A->>D: That's it. You do-do-do Note over D: Yeah. I coach baseball. A->>D: You don't stop. D->>A: I do some consulting. A->>D: I try to get you to stop. D->>T: That's often pretty good. Note over T: Let's appreciate that you have done
some extraordinary things in your life. T->>D: Maybe one reason is so you
don't have to feel this feeling. D->>T: I like to work hard. T->>D: Can you see the connection between the two? D->>T: Yeah. T->>D: Can you take a minute and honor
the part of you that has worked so hard. Note over D: It did a good job. A->>D: *Laughing warmly* T->>D: It deserves some kind of medal. D->>T: Yeah. T->>D: Take a moment to acknowledge the hard work. A->>D: *Reaches out to touch David affectionately.* Note over D: Retiring was bad for me.
Kids growing up was bad for me. T->>A: Does this make sense to you. A->>T: Very much. Note over D: Now, I'm not good at this.
That's what I keep hearing. T->>D: It sounds like that part is
speaking for itself right now? D->>T: Yeah. T->>D: This makes sense to me,
that this part is now floudering.
Does that makes sense to you? Note over D: Yeah, I'm just clueless. T->>A: It makes sense to you as well? A->>T: Yeah, I didn't know that. T->>D: Maybe that part of you floudering around,
can hear its distress being understood.
What is that like? D->>A: I just need you to go really slowly.
I don't know how to do this. T->>D: Are you asking for her help? D->>T: Yeah. A->>D: You're doing great.
This is what I'm talking about. D->>A: THIS?! Seriously? A->>D: *Nods* You're being real. D->>A: *Nods* Note over T: It's hard to believe that this
is what she is really wanting from me. D->>T: *Nods* D->>A: When you say 'real' or 'deep',
I have no idea what that means. D->>A: When we walk through it like this, it
just feels like this weird kind of conversation. D->>A: So you want me to be weird and bad? *Laughing* A->>D: It's no "shoulds," it's beautiful to me. A->>D: It's intimate. You feel present. T->>A: And Allison, this is an exploration. T->>D: I'm hearing, David, you're saying, "this
is all new to me. I don't know how to do this and you do." T->>A: Did you hear that as well? A->>T: Yes. T-->>A: Helps Allison unblend T->>A: What's that like that you were getting
something that you were wanting and needing? Note over A: It's awesome. It's so great to see
him go to that deep level and be real. T->>A: What does it mean when you say, "deep level and be real"? Note over A: It's presence. It's connecting. Intimacy. Slowing down. Note over T: *Reflects back* Is that true? A->>T: Yeah. T->>A: Say more about that. T-->>D: Helps David unblend so he can listen A->>D: This means everything to me. When you
share, that's what I mean by showing up. D->>A: Yeah. T->>D: What's happening in your body? D->>T: Feels good. A->>D: When you share those things about
the past, I felt closer to you. D->>A: That's pretty scary. A->>D: Yeah. T->>D: I want you to notice that place in
your diaphram. What's happening there? D->>T: It's not really there. A->>D: *Smiling* T->>D: Notice that. D->>T: *Nods* D->>A: *Affectionately touches Allison's leg.*